Dear Employee,
Congratulations on being selected for the Acme Microchip and Mud-Flap Corp.'s team-building training seminar! In pre-advance of your participation, we ask that you complete the Breyers-Higgs Personal ity Assessment below and return it to your Human Resources department by close-of-business Friday, May 23.
For each of the following questions, please select the answer that most appeals to you. Do not think too long about your response; there is no "right" or "wrong" answer. No matter what the results, we will judge you harshly and talk about you behind your back.
. . .
Part One(1) When you go on an outing, would you rather (a) be spontaneous or (b) plan your day?
(2) Would you rather work under a boss who is (a) good-natured but often inconsistent, or (b) sharp-tongued but always logical?
(3) Can you (a) talk easily to almost anyone for as long as you have to, or do you (b) hate the very thought of human interaction?
(4) When assigned a project, do you prefer to (a) procrastinate as long as possible and then cobble together something from resources on the Internet at the last minute, or (b) quickly find a way to get your fellow employees to do most of the work for you?
(5) At social gatherings, do you like to (a) be the center of attention by "shaking your money-maker," or (b) sit quietly in a corner and weep?
(6) In general, do you prefer to get your information from (a) rumor and innuendo or (b) interpretive dance?
(7) Would you rather have (a) lots of friends who secretly think you're obnoxious, or (b) just one friend: Ted, a noncorporeal floating head with sunken cheeks, bloodshot eyes, three day stubble, and a jagged scar over his left eyebrow who constantly screams at you to go to New York and blow up the Staten Island ferry?
(8) Which of these is "more you": (a) hypocritical, sanctimonious, two-faced jerk; (b) cowardly, whinging, malignant little twit?
(9) When presented with a new proposal, do you (a) feign enthusiasm about the latest idiotic scheme dreamed up by your drooling, slack-jawed moron of a boss, or (b) give him honest feedback: a set of "Sicilian dentures" (using a hammer and cold chisel to break off every other tooth in his mouth)?
(10) Would you rather (a) be lowered slowly into a vat of acid, or (b) slide down a razor-blade bannister?
Part Two
For the next section, choose the word that appeals to you more. Think about what the words mean -- not how they look or sound.
(11) (a) heroic (b) whiffenpoof
(12) (a) evil (b) booger
(13) (a) avuncular (b) doodie
(14) (a) sapient (b) gobbledygook
(15) (a) loyal (b) snot-rocket
Part Three
For each of the following questions, please select the answer that most appeals to you.
(16) Is it better to be thought of as (a) distant and emotionally unavailable or (b) in need of a restraining order?
(17) In reading for pleasure, do you (a) enjoy odd or original ways of saying things, or (b) find that your lips soon get tired?
(18) If you want to make God laugh, do you tell him (a) your plans or (b) the one about the priest, the nun, and the rabbi who walk into a bar?
(19) How many fingers am I holding up? (a) one (b) four
(20) OK, Smartypants . . . now how many fingers am I holding up? (a) none (b) pi
(21) Is it more important to you to (a) prove that you're right or (b) prove that the other guy is wrong?
(22) Do you generally prefer courses that teach (a) abstract concepts and principles, or (b) how to "get lucky" with the opposite sex?
(23) Would you rather work for a boss who is prone to (a) flatulence or (b) making fun of people who are flatulent?
(24) Flatulence jokes are inherently (a) funny (b) hilarious. -RD>Interpreting Your Results
You are an EUPKWNPDAOCTWMPAYN: an emotionally unstable powder keg with narcissistic personality disorder and obsessive-compulsive tendencies who makes people around you nervous.
Congratulations! You should fit right in here.
My thoughts do not aim for your assent -- just place them alongside your own reflections for a while.
--Robert Nozick.
Contact A. Barton Hinkle at (804) 649-6627 or bhinkle@timesdispatch.com.
