Karl Rove c/o Fox News Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy HQ 1211 Avenue of the Americas New York, NY 10036

Dear Karl,

I dunno if you're a fishin' man, but you sure do know how to bait a hook. Tellin' the world on national tee-vee that our fair city ain't no great shakes was bound to get a rise out o' folks hereabouts, and I bet you already heard from a hogshead full of 'em. But I know you won't mind none if I put my oar in the water, too.

Maybe you ain't been to these here parts in a month of Sundays, an' I guess I can unnerstand that. A guy that was raised in Sparks, Nev. (population 66,000) probably don't see no reason to high-tail it to a wide spot in the road like Richmond. Like you said, it ain't even as big as Chula Vista, Calif., or Gilbert, Ariz. How'd you know that stuff off the top a yer head, anyhow? No wonder they call you Bush's Brain.

I ain't fer sure why a man like you would put so much stock in the size of things, but that's all right. You was makin' a point about how Tim Kaine ain't never run a big city, so he ain't got the chops to be president.

Maybe you ain't never heard of Ancient Rome, but I read in a book one time that it had maybe a half million people, give or take, and the Romans managed to run a pretty good show for a while there until the Germans came along and wrecked things, like they always do. Richmond ain't quite so big as ancient Rome, it's true, but it's a durn sight bigger than Crawford, Texas (pop. 700 -- Saaa-lute!) Then again, maybe you ain't that impressed with the caliber a leadership that come outta Crawford, neither. Some folks ain't.

BESIDES, Richmond's got big-city problems just like lots of metropolitanopolises. Or maybe that's metropolitanopoli; you'd know better than I would. Anyhow, we've got drugs and crime and murder and mayhem, just like New York used to and Chicago still does, I hear. We've had city councilmen shipped off to the big house, and power struggles between the mayor and the School Board, and racial tension and all that other stuff that makes a city world-class.

Richmond's got a port and an airport and -- on Monument Avenue -- the nicest collection of second-place trophies for war-makin' in the entire United States. And we've had our fair share of celebrities, too -- from "American Idol" Elliot Yamin to Amanda Goad, who won the national Spelling Bee in 1992, and she followed that up four years later by winning the teen tournament on "Jeopardy!" Your favorite rock band and mine -- after Skynard, of course -- is from here: GWAR. The Dave Matthews Band ain't; they're from Charlottesville, but that's close enough. And Eatin' Mort Hurst wasn't from these parts -- he came outta North Carolina, bless his heart -- but one time folks at the State Fair of Virginia watched him pound down 38 soft-boiled eggs in 29 seconds. I bet they never seen such a thing in Chula Vista.

And festivals? Lord, have we got festivals. While you was busy bein' a big shot on tee-vee, you coulda been in Carytown, spittin' seeds at the Watermelon Festival. We got us a tomato festival up the road in Hanover, and a folk-music festival, too. You tell me that ain't big-time.

We used to have a baseball team, but they lit out. We still got hockey and a few softball leagues and a bunch a professionals in a sport we like to call Fighting the Civil War Over and Over and Over Again. There's guys around town who can tell you which one of Lee's lieutenants was wearin' hats and which ones wasn't while they stood around the campfire the night before the Battle of Cold Harbor. There's even a few guys know what color hats. We tried to get the IOC to make Fighting the Civil War Over and Over and Over Again an Olympic event, but the evil scum from Kyrgyzstan nixed the idea. Maybe next go-round.

WE GOT NASCAR, though. Tell me the hotshots in Chula Vista got NASCAR.

We're fixin' to get us a lot more world-class stuff, too. We're gonna have a spankin'-new music hall soon enough, and a new courts building, and if we ever get our act together we might do something really big, like -- well, I ain't going to give it all away. You wanna find out, you just come on and let folks show you around. You might think we're just the 105th-biggest city in America, but we don't aim to stay that way.

We're shootin' for at least 103rd. With all due respect, ABH

My thoughts do not aim for your assent -- just place them alongside your own reflections for a while.

--Robert Nozick.
Contact A. Barton Hinkle at (804) 649-6627 or bhinkle@timesdispatch.com.